Back to School: Big Transitions, Big Emotions, & Big Patience

The tears were streaming down my daughter’s face for nearly five minutes…

Why?

Because I had asked her to put on her socks and shoes.

It was the first day of school and emotions were clearly running high.

Can you relate?

It’s easy in transitional moments to let what “needs” to be done lead how we respond to our children’s big emotions. It is important to remember, especially as a foster parent, that transition can be difficult for any child, but uniquely so for children in care.

You’re likely a couple weeks into the new school year at this point, but this has been an important reminder for me that I want to take the time to remind you of as well. 

My husband and I have found the following reminders helpful, especially in the morning rush as everyone prepares for their day. It is so easy to forget how big of a change to the children’s routine the school year can be, especially returning from the more carefree days of summer: 

1) Lead with grace.

We are trying to raise children that eventually will form more and more independence. But, they are still children and they often need support, encouragement, and gentle reminders to guide them through their day. For example, instead of responding frustratedly that they forgot about their homework sheet in their backpack, try to take the time to sit one-on-one with them and complete the worksheet together. Remind them of the expectations moving forward but give them grace to not be perfect. Even if they’ve been in school before, each year requires a new routine and all the new expectations can be overwhelming. 

2) Acknowledge their emotions.

For example, if your child vocalizes that they don’t like school or they don’t like a teacher, it’s important that we affirm the feelings behind those statements. We want to listen to them and make sure they feel heard. Does that always mean that we can change the circumstances? No. But we can reinforce the truth that their feelings matter.

After affirming their emotions and hearing more about what they’re feeling, we can gently guide them into the reality of the moment. “I know that school is not your favorite. You do get to see your best friend [fill in the blank] and I know how much you love PE and library time, though. Since school is important, do you think it would help to focus on the aspects of school that feel exciting to you?”

3) Calm your own body before responding.

In our home, we often find ourselves saying, “Take a deep breath. Calm your body.” It’s important for us as parents to take this advice as well, which can sometimes be easier said than done. As parents, we want to avoid reacting out of a place of frustration and anger. Our aggressive response will not help ease our child during a transitional time. It will only make them feel more anxious.

Sometimes this means we have to walk away and take a moment away from our child in order to respond from a better place instead of being reactionary.

Remember: If you do react out of frustration or make a bigger deal about something than you needed to, always apologize. Set an example by acknowledging how you could have done it differently and trying to reconnect with them before they go about their day.

4) Regularly talk through the new routine.

With new routines, it’s great to regularly remind your child of what they can expect. Review with them what the morning will look like. You could practice their teacher’s name or talk about the names of their friends that will be in their class. You may want to go over lunch items for the day on the school’s menu.

This can help signal to their minds and bodies that this new normal is okay. They can expect much of what’s coming during the day, and they also have the confidence that you are aware of what’s happening in their world, too. We want to make them feel prepared and safe in this new normal.

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Transitions are hard for any family, and I hope these reminders can gently help each of us lead our families with grace, empathy, and compassion. (Give yourself some grace, too!) You are doing great work and you’ve got this!