It’s natural to wonder who your birth parents are. In fact, this is a question that many foster and adoptive children wrestle with.
For children, teens, and even adults who have never known their biological parents, curiosity about their identity often goes hand in hand with a fear of the unknown. And for foster and adoptive parents, broaching this topic can bring up worries around the answers your child may find, and how what they uncover could heal or hurt them.
My guests today have navigated these questions and concerns from the perspectives of an adoptive child, adoptive parent, and birth mom. Kyle Bullock was adopted as a baby by Ellyn Bullock and her husband. As a teen, he began to have questions about his birth mom and set out to find her. After a search on MySpace, he found Michelle Hubble and discovered answers about his past. What followed was a long and rich relationship with both his birth mom and adoptive parents.
In this episode, our guests dive into the importance of discovering your identity, the challenges of interracial adoption, advice for people who may want to seek out their birth parents but feel nervous, and much more.
TAKEAWAYS FROM TODAY’S CONVERSATION:
1. Children benefit from having role models who share their racial background.
In an interracial adoption, building relationships and seeking resources is essential to help your child embrace their racial identity and connect with their cultural heritage. While your efforts are invaluable, there’s only so much you can do alone. When your child has questions about their race, the most meaningful answers often come from those who share and understand their lived experiences. To support your child fully, lean on external resources and trusted voices to navigate the unique challenges they may encounter throughout their life.
“It’s important to let your kids grow, and part of that growth is to understand their identity and who they are.”
2. “Knowing is better than unknowing.”
Many foster and adoptive children have a deep desire to know and understand where they came from. It’s true that not every child will have a positive outcome after connecting with their birth parent(s). However, this is still an important part of understanding their story and identity. Foster and adoptive parents can help their children navigate this challenging journey by preparing them to process the outcome of their search.
“It might not go the way that I want, but at least I will know. And knowing is better than unknowing.”
3. It’s okay to take things one day at a time.
When Kyle began building a relationship with Michelle, his birth mother, both Michelle and his adoptive mom, Ellyn, were navigating how to connect with each other without crossing any boundaries. Michelle, for example, worried that Kyle calling her “mom” might hurt Ellyn’s feelings. The truth is, all three were doing their best to make one another feel valued and supported during this complex transition. By taking it one step at a time, they’ve created a beautiful bond where they now see each other as family.
“The unknown can be scary, but for me it was a beautiful thing.”
Meet Our Guests
Kyle Bullock was placed into foster care and then adopted as a baby. He then grew up in a multi-racial family in Champaign, Illinois. As a teen, he set out to find his birth mom. Kyle has shared his story of adoption in various ways and collaborated with NBC News to produce Finding Identity: Growing Up a Transracial Adoptee. Today, he is a real estate agent in Chicago where he lives with his wonderful and loving fiancé, Rachelle.
Ellyn Bullock is an adoptive mom, attorney, and owner of Bullock Law LLC, a firm that specializes in adoption, guardianship, and child welfare. She and her husband have raised three children and currently have guardianship of a teenager. Ellyn enjoys nurturing children and growing as a family.
Michelle Hubble is Kyle’s birth mom. She formerly served in the Army and Navy, and was deployed to Iraq in 2006. Today, she is a mom to her adult son and grade school daughter. Michelle works as a courier with FedEx and enjoys volunteering with schools and Peoria Grown, a nonprofit devoted to addressing food insecurity in Peoria, Illinois.
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