Open adoptions began in 1975, but they didn’t become more common until the 1990s. Today, 9 out of 10 adoptions are open. While open adoptions are far more common today, adoptive parents may have concerns and fears about navigating that relationship with a child’s birth parents. Likewise, birth parents are often worried about finding the place they belong in the process and entrusting someone else to care for their child while still maintaining a relationship.
Today, I have the privilege of learning from and listening to someone who was formerly in foster care and who is also a birth mother. Jori Victory is an advocate for healthy, open adoption, mental health resources, and post-placement care for birth mothers. She lives in Utah with her four children.
In this episode, Jori shares with us her experience of navigating the birth and adoptive parent relationship, the importance of remaining in a child’s life, the loss that can come with not knowing your biological parents, and the challenge of discovering your identity in the midst of complex circumstances.
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TAKEAWAYS FROM TODAY’S CONVERSATION:
1. Even the right decision can be hard.
It is never easy accepting the decision that the best thing for your child is to be cared for by someone else. There is heartbreak, fear, and a deep sense of loss that all rise up in your heart.
“It’s heartbreaking and so full of guilt and sadness and yet it’s also been so full of joy and growth and healing for me.”
2. Maintaining a relationship with the birth parent is beneficial for the child.
When it is healthy and safe to maintain a relationship with a child’s biological parent, it greatly benefits the child. They have a better foundation to sort through the challenging questions and their sense of belonging.
“There is heartache maybe I could have been saved, questions that could have been answered, if I had had that relationship with my birth mother growing up.”
3. Birth parents are not trying to replace adoptive parents.
One of the worries we hear about often is that birth parents will want their adopted child back or are somehow trying to replace you. In reality, they want to know that their children are safe and that they can love them and support their family. The birth parent and adoptive parent have the same goal in mind, which is to make sure the child knows they are loved.
“I just love to remind people that birth moms are not trying to replace you. We are not trying to take our children back. We just want to be included. We just want to love them and love your family. We just want to know that we belong.”
Meet Our Guest
Jori Victory is an adult adoptee, a biological mother to an adopted infant, and an advocate for healthy, open adoption, mental health, and post-placement care for birth mothers. She lives in Utah with her four children.
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